Looking for my Lost Words

I read an article in a magazine (ok, it was "People") about a high school boy who was caring for his mother. She suffered from early on-set Alzheimer's disease. Unbelievably, she was not yet 40.  Sometimes - more often than I'd like to admit - I wonder if I have a lesser version of that same disease. Even worse, I can't imagine either of my teen boys feeding me, or keeping me from roaming the neighborhood at night in my jammies

I have struggled with migraines since I was 7 or 8 years-old. They have gotten very bad over the past 2 years. There is a drug on the market which I call "Dopamax." It is taken daily and supposedly reduces migraine frequency. I asked one doctor to prescribe it and he said, "Sure, if you don't mind losing your words." I love words. I read books like a chain smoker. I have been published - twice. I have won money for a short story I wrote in the 1990's. NO! I don't want word aphasia. Give me anything else: Pain, bio-freeze, generic Imitrex. But don't take my words away.

Two months later, I am back at the doctor's office, seeing the partner of Dr. Anti-Dopamax. She brings up the word-erasing medication. She says she's worried because I take too much generic Imitrex, and it's starting not to work. I bring up her partner's concerns, and she minimizes them: "Oh he just said that about word aphasia because he had recently seen someone with it. It goes away once you stop taking it (Dopamax)." I agree to try it. It works, but I do notice some "word loss." I can't remember the state flower, Carolina (Yellow) Jasmine.  I can't remember my employee id number when I log on to the computers at work. I can't remember my locker combination - also at work. In both instances, I have to have a manager look up these numbers. I give up the Dopamax. It worked sometimes, but was not the price of losing my words and numbers.  My word recall seems to return and I think nothing more about it.

Flashforward to this summer. I am offered a lucrative but temporary job in my chosen career. It is very intellectually challenging. I have to work with extremely sensitive and personal documents. I put a great deal of pressure on myself to excel. I want to be called back in for future, temporary "gigs." (I don't like to stay at the same company/business/firm for long. I get bored after a bit. Co-workers start to grate on me). The problem with this "contractual position" is that, in trying to be green aka environmentally friendly in designing their office space, they have created a migraineur's living hell. Exposed fluorescent bulbs over-run the building. Everyone has to have a computer in today's working world. I am no exception. I am awarded a shiny new Dell laptop. Apparently the "flicker" of the screen or refresh rate of the computer are saying bad things to my brain: "Your head hurts, lady!" seems to be the main message. I go back on the Dopamax. I cut out the overhead fluorescent lights and bring a table lamp from home to work by. This time, Dopamax doesn't seem to work. I stay on it, and also take Imitrex, Excedrin Migraine, ibuprofen. I am hurting 50% of the time. Luckily, I don't seem to be "losing my words." I design a chart comparing two groups - can't say any more. I am so proud of my work, and receive many compliments.

The contract ends around the first of August. Frankly, I am ready to go. The subject matter of  my work is depressing. I feel like a co-worker (or two) is trying to make me look bad. Most of all, I have lost a summer with my youngest child. He will never be 8 and turning 9 ever again.

I go back to doing my at-home, part-time, boring but predictable job. My salary isn't too shabby, I realize, and I start applying myself more. I appreciate it, and I don't miss the stress and pain of the old position. I stop taking the Dopamax. I stop gradually, as instructed. I don't miss it, since it never worked on this go-round. What I do start to miss, after I stop the medication, are "my words." How this could happen is a mystery to me. I am forgetting names - still - four months after stopping. I couldn't recall the word "privacy" just yesterday.

A long time ago I read that drugs - medications - can be stored in body fat. Theoretically, if you lose or "burn" the fat, the drugs can be released into your bloodstream, even years after you have ingested them. I have been working with a personal trainer since September. Never have I exercised with such intensity. I accuse him routinely of trying to kill me. I am certain he is a sadist. On one occasion, it was all I could do to stop myself from declaring my hatred for him.  I am hopeful that after Andre is satisfied with the body fat I have lost, my "big words" will return. I will be able to remember my daughter's roommate's name; the name of that common fruit I eat daily; the name of the governor, etc. If not, I will be in the market for a room in the Alzheimer unit at a local nursing home.